


Good Intentions

by Donovanspen



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x18 Promo, Alec is trying, Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Sad Alec Lightwood, Sad Magnus Bane, talking it out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 19:04:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18452729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donovanspen/pseuds/Donovanspen
Summary: (Based on 3x18 promo and Sneak Peek)Alec never meant for him to find out.





	Good Intentions

**Author's Note:**

> I can only handle so much angst before I have to try to fix it.

Alec opened the door to his mom’s shop, relieved to have received the message to stop by. His mind was still reeling from his earlier meeting, and he wasn’t ready to face the reality of his life now. He wasn’t ready to think about the absolutely horrific decision he had to make, and he welcomed any distraction.

“Hello,” he called out, looking around the empty storefront. “Mom?”

“She’s out,” Magnus said, coming out of the back room. “Please be a dear and lock up.”

Surprised to see his boyfriend and unsure of what to expect, Alec locked the front door and followed Magnus into the back of the store where he found a staircase leading up. He climbed the stairs to the small apartment and found Magnus waiting for him in the living room area.

“What’s going on?” he asked, feeling a bit uneasy. Magnus seemed a bit distant, and Alec worried that the afternoon with his mother maybe hadn’t been such a good idea after all.

“Why don’t you tell me?” Magnus smiled, but Alec could hear the slight edge to his tone.

“Are you upset?” he asked with a bit of hesitation. “Did I do something wrong? Did something happen today with Mom?” Alec began to feel more anxious with each passing second. Surely his mom would have called if there had been a problem.

“Did you do something wrong?” Magnus repeated. “Well, let’s see. The next time you decide to try to reach out and connect with a prince of Hell, find a warlock who doesn’t like to gossip.”

Alec’s breath caught in his chest, and he couldn’t breathe or speak, not that he had any words.

“What on earth were you thinking, Alec?” Magnus hissed.

“I wanted to help you,” Alec replied, his own voice loud with frustration. He couldn’t let this become another thing between them.

“Help me?” Magnus scoffed. “You can help me by not contacting my father. Nothing good ever comes from it or have you not been paying attention?”

Alec remained silent as he struggled to find the right words. He’d never intended for Magnus to find out.

“Why?” Magnus demanded as he paced around the small area. “I want you to tell me why you would even consider contacting him.”

Alec stiffened. Magnus already knew. What did he expect? Magnus should know that he would do anything for him. “Your magic,” he said with a confidence he surely did not feel.

“I see. And what were the terms?”

Alec hesitated.

“I know my father, Alexander. Tell me what fresh agony he’s prepared to rain down upon me.”

“Nothing. I haven’t accepted.”

“What did he want in exchange for returning my magic?” Magnus asked again, his voice quieter but no less intense.

Alec frowned, unwilling to say the words. He thought back to their dinner and how Magnus had fallen apart in his arms. He thought about how Magnus had been slowly killing himself by holding on to Lorenzo’s magic. He had been losing Magnus all along and didn’t realize it.

Alec lifted his chin and met Magnus’s gaze head on. “He wanted me to end our relationship and leave you broken-hearted.”

 “You said you haven’t accepted,” Magnus muttered. “Not didn’t. Haven’t. You’re actually considering it.”

“Magnus.”

“You said you would be here. You begged me to let you be here with me, and now you’re walking away. Were you even going to tell me?”

“No.” Alec was tired of seeing his boyfriend hurt, and he felt sick at the knowledge that he was the cause of this current wave of pain.

Magnus took a deep breath and turned away from him. “Well, at least you’re finally being honest.”

The wall he’d put up started to crumble. He tried so hard to be strong, to be what Magnus needed, but his heartache was too much to hold back. The thought of walking away from Magnus caused an ache he could barely stand but knowing he couldn’t make Magnus happy created a different kind of hurt.

“I have been nothing but honest. I know I was selfish, and I didn’t realize how much you were hurting, but my feelings for you have always been sincere. I love you, and I want to be by your side for the rest of my life. But it’s not enough. You need more than just me. You said so yourself that you didn’t think you could ever get over losing your magic. If you had it back and then lost me, I would be just another person you loved once during your long life. One day you would be happy again.”

“Is that what you really think?”

Alec couldn’t answer. Tears were already running down his face, and he didn’t trust himself to speak.

When he didn’t respond, Magnus turned back around to face him. “Alexander, I need you to pay attention to what I’m saying right now.” He waited until Alec gave him a shaky nod. “I’m not ok. I’m lost. I’ve lost a part of myself, and I don’t know if I’ll ever not feel this way. I don’t need you making deals, trading one hurt for another. I need you by my side, making good decisions when I can’t, holding me up when I’m too weak to stand. I need you to be here like you said you would.”

Alec broke. He couldn’t stop the soft sobs, though, he tried. Everything inside him screamed that he’d let Magnus down yet again, and there was nothing he could do to make it better.

Magnus finally closed the distance between them and pulled Alec in his arms. “Promise me, Alec. No deals. You stay by my side. Promise me.”

Alec nodded, but Magnus put his arms on his shoulders and pushed him back until he was staring into his red, blotchy face. “Say it,” he whispered his voice unsteady.

Alec nodded again but managed to get out a soft “promise.”

Magnus smiled and reached up and wiped the tears from Alec’s cheeks which only made him start crying harder. He felt so raw, and as much as he wanted to pull himself together, he just couldn’t yet.

Magnus took hold of his hands and guided them over to the sofa. “Alexander, we’ll be ok.”

Alec pulled his hands from Magnus’s grasp and pressed his palms against his eyes. He just needed a moment to pull himself together, but he couldn’t do it with Magnus sitting so close to him, his body pressed alongside his.

“Alexander. You’re scaring me. What is it? What else happened?”

Alec shook his head and forced in a deep breath. He needed to be strong for Magnus. He couldn’t do anything else, but he could do that. “Nothing,” he said, finally looking over at his boyfriend. He almost started crying again when he saw how scared Magnus looked.  “It’s just a little overwhelming.”

Magnus sighed, but turned his gaze down towards his lap. “I’m sorry. I know you didn’t bargain for this and…”

“No!” Alec reached over and grabbed Magnus’s hands. “Not you.  I just don’t… you’re the one I’ve always talked to.  I guess I’ve just been spinning in my own head, and I’m not there for you the way I should be.”

Magnus squeezed his hand. “You’ve been amazing, and I’m so grateful to have you by my side. And I’m sorry that I haven’t been there for you as well.”

“You should be focusing on yourself, especially right now,” Alec countered. “I want to do better, Magnus. I just want to make you happy.”

“Alexander, I can assure you there isn’t anything my father can do to make me happy. It’s not in him. Anything from him comes with a heavy cost. I can’t lose anymore.”

“You won’t lose me. I’m sorry I caused you more pain.”

“I think we’ve hit our quota on apologies,” Magnus sniffed, running a finger underneath his eye to catch a stray tear.

“Can I hold you?”

“Please,” Magnus said, turning and allowing Alec to wrap his arms around him.

Alec shifted, pulling Magnus close and settling his body against his. He buried his face in his boyfriend’s neck and breathed in the comforting scent that was always Magnus. He thought of never having this again and felt the tears burn behind his eyelids. He had hated himself for being so selfish and not realizing how much Magnus had been hurting, but now, he was giving himself permission to be selfish once more. As much as he wanted to give Magnus his magic back, he couldn’t leave him. They would find another way.  


End file.
